black bird
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The Bird in the Storm

Art

I’m in a rut, artistically speaking, right now. I’ve signed up for quite a few things this year and nothing is speaking to me. Yesterday, I continued working on a piece that I started this week-end and I’m very “meh” about it right now. I try to be gentle with myself as a newbie artist, but this is something I fail at with myself often. When left to create something on my own, my brain goes blank or rather it freezes. I’ll think of something that I want to try, but the self-doubt steps in that what I envision in my brain will never make it on the paper.

Then there have been a few other pieces I’ve started on over the past few weeks, but have not enjoyed how they are coming along. I start feeling the frustration creep in that it’s not turning out like the artist who is teaching it. So the piece gets scrapped because of my frustration.

I went out yesterday and bought some more art supplies in the hopes of getting me motivated again. And, I shipped off my first commissioned piece as well. Both felt good although the craft store I went into yesterday was woefully inadequate in the good quality art paint department. I bought some gorgeous paper and washi tape though along with some very pretty ephemera pieces. I hope to play with some of that today.

What do you do when you are in a artistic rut?

Travel

Tomorrow we leave for a few days. I’m so excited to be on an adventure again, I can hardly stand it. We are heading to Cabo San Lucas and I can’t wait to walk the sandy beach and dip my toes in ocean. I may have more than one margarita while there and of course, tacos and guacamole. We are supposed to go kayaking on Saturday morning. I hope to see some creatures of the sea.

Today, I need to pack and do my nails. The mani/pedis I do for myself never turn out quite as lovely as those done by the professionals. I hope to visit my favorite salon sometime soon, but it won’t be in time for our trip tomorrow.

My plan is to bring my laptop so I can continue to blog. (Although I missed the last couple of days due to my own blahness.) I can’t wait to share my adventure with anyone who wants to read about it.

Dreams

I wish I would stop having dreams about the ex. It seriously messes with my mind because every. single. dream. is about him regretting what he did. I know this is projection on my part because it’s what I want him to feel. And, I thought about not posting anything because I worry about what people will think and then I get angry with myself because this is my blog after all and I get to put up here what I want to, dammit.

I really need to find a therapist who will help me process the trauma he put me through – which was so intense the last six months we spent together – that it nearly killed me and for which, during that time, he became so unrecognizable to me.

I feel myself raging at him inside.

The picture for today’s post is what I started working on this week-end. Underneath, I wrote out a whole bunch of stuff about what I was feeling about the ex. And because I wasn’t sure exactly how to capture what was going on inside my head, I pulled cards utilizing Effy’s Journal Jam cards that I made awhile ago. I look at it now and realize it conveys the storm I’m feeling inside and the black bird is sitting in the midst of it all.

So maybe, I need to stop being so hard on myself in many different ways.

black bird
The Bird in the Storm

13 Comments

  • Kimi

    ooph, I feel that. Artistic ruts suck, usually I have to refocus on something not in any way creative to “take a break” from my expectations. I too am too hard on myself.

    I miss travelling. Dip your toes in for me too.

    no judgment.

    • Christal Kelly

      I will dip my toes in the water for you. The new husband and I are both fully vaccinated and we take all necessary precautions. Thank you for the tip on allowing myself to take space away from creating.

  • Sue Blott

    I love your painting. Very evocative. I can feel your emotions raining down. Maybe some time away will help everything. I think we can all relate to that feeling of being stuck in some way or another at this time. Enjoy! Will look forward to future posts and photos if you choose to share.

  • Margaret

    Exciting to travel and see different places and people. I took that for granted pre-pandemic. Your dreams about the ex are your brain trying to make sense of a nonsensical and out of control situation. You had no closure or answers at the time and without them, it’s tough to move completely forward.

  • Kim

    I feel this a lot! And also, I really love your piece.

    One thing that helps me is that I tell myself a lot that my piece absolutely will not come out like the teacher’s, and it won’t look quite like what’s in my head, but it will be something cool so I should just do it anyway. It doesn’t completely remove the self-doubt, but it does help me quiet it down enough to make some art and enjoy myself.

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