You did something you’re not proud of
(This may trigger some who are new to this journey of a run-away husband or a cheating spouse.)
Does the title of this post make you think of maybe someone who did something embarrassing in a kind of “ha, ha, I can’t believe I did that,” kind of way?
What if I told you it was from someone who labels herself as a “divorce coach” who helps people who cheated come to terms with cheating? And wants the person who was cheated on take some responsibility for the actions of the cheater?
This is her exact quote as shown on Instagram:
“You didn’t plan on cheating. Your marriage was in a shitty place and one thing led to the next, and you did something that you’re not proud of.”
I didn’t realized my marriage was in a shitty place at the time he chose to cheat. I would not have just bought a house with him, taken a loan out against my 401K to help purchase the new house and to help furnish it, had I realized my marriage would essentially be over (for him) two months later.
I will always, always maintain that I did not cause my ex-husband to cheat on me. Were there things I could have done better as a wife? Absolutely. I take responsibility for being human. I take responsibility for any of my actions that may have caused him to be unhappy with me and with us, but I refuse to take responsibility for him involving a third party in our marriage. It was the cowardly thing to do. It was something I beat myself up over and over again as I tried to do and be the wife (for a hellish six months) he all of a sudden wanted as he had one foot out of the marital door.
It occurred to me today that through our three decades together, he was unhappy many times. He was unhappy with the first job he quit, and I was there. He was unhappy with the second job he quit, and I was there. He was unhappy with third job he quit, and I was there. He was unhappy when he was fired from the next job, and I was there. And, I was there for the next and the next and the next job. I was always there to assure him that WE would get through it as I typed up and printed out resumes for him, as I took over the bills so as not to stress him out. I was there when our kids were small and I was trying to go to school so he wouldn’t feel all the pressure. I was there when our house was almost foreclosed upon and trying to not panic because my income wasn’t enough to cover a house payment and we didn’t have health insurance to cover a family of five.
I was there because I thought we had a partnership. I thought we had an agreement that when things got tough, we would figure out a way to work through them together. When things got tough for him, I was there. When things got tough for me, he was there for another woman.
He apparently didn’t have the same idea. So when I was unhappy with where we were headed as a couple about two years before our marriage ended, and expressed my unhappiness to him, instead of him trying to work it out together, he turned to another woman. Not my fucking fault.
People have choices to make. One of them is when you are unhappy with your spouse, you fucking talk to them. You don’t talk about your issues with someone else, like a co-worker, who has no relevant information about the history between the two people intimately involved.
Can you imagine being a counselor to a rape victim and asking her what she did which caused her to be raped? It’s the exact same thing when you ask a person who has been cheated on what they did to cause their partner to fuck someone else who is not your spouse. If this is your way of thinking if you are marriage and/or divorce counselor, I urge you to leave this field of work before you cause irreparable damage.
Great post. I got blindsided by a boyfriend who didn’t cheat, but wasn’t honest or open. I can’t imagine the heartbreak and anger if I had been in a long term marriage and my husband had cheated. What a mind f*ck that would be! I’m proud of you for coming out of that fighting for happiness and reaching for a better life.