this dating thing can suck

I got married young. I met the ex at the age of 19 and married him at the age of 20. I can count on one hand the number of guys I dated prior to meeting the ex and I would have a couple of fingers left. That’s how inexperienced I am with this whole dating thing. I guess what I would like is honesty and being realistic with each other. I’ve yet to meet a man who has been willing to do either one.

I’m open to friendship. I’ve been clear about that. I’m open to a relationship with one person. I’ve been open with that as well. I’ve been open to dating other people as long as we are honest with each other – meaning, you don’t sleep with me saying you want to be exclusive and then hop onto POF or some other dating site the very next day. Yes, I’m a grown women who can make my own decisions, but part of that decision making process has to include what the other person is telling you.

I’ve had fun and get my hopes up – I don’t want marriage, but it would sure be nice to have one person to go out and do fun things with. It’s like this constant flux of uncertainty, which I fucking hate. I go in with no expectation other than having a fun date, then it’s like they can sense that I’m vulnerable and tell me what I want to hear. I’m working on having a harder heart without losing what I think is pretty great about me – my optimism and hope, which can be cruelly crushed by people who are there to serve their own egos.

A couple of things I’m doing is refocusing my energy in doing meet-up groups with women. I’m trying to not worry if I don’t hear back from someone when I should. I’m trying not to obsess about checking POF. I’m continuing to talk to other men until I know for certain (will I ever be certain?) that I have a commitment, which for me will include deleting profiles on dating sites – both of us.

I still harbor some anger that this path of being by myself and having to date in order to not be by myself was pushed upon me. Again, I didn’t think I would be single and dating at (now) 53 years old. There are times I need to step away from it in order to give my head and (mostly) my heart a break.